Occupy Wall Street targets Netflix instead

by Bruce Kasanoff on October 11, 2011

Occupy Wall Street – the leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions – is having trouble deciding which videos to watch. Insiders say this is causing rifts within the group and has led some to grow more incensed at Netflix than at banks.

“Netflix has no first run movies, unless you count Shutter Island, which is just too spooky to watch when you’re sleeping on the streets,” said a woman who identified herself as Sarah.

“You could watch 9 Songs,” interjected Sonya L, sitting on a milk carton nearby. “It’s a really hot film about wild love between a British glaciologist and a free-spirited student.”

“A glaciologist? The best you can suggest is a film about a glaciologist?”

Tempers are short, and the leaderless movement may be drifting off course. In an afternoon with protestors, the common theme was fury at Netflix, not banks.

Netflix has second rate films… Netflix streaming doesn’t work properly… Netflix won’t ship DVDs to a mailbox in the middle of Liberty Square.

Some protestors want to leave Wall Street and occupy Netflix, but there was some confusion about where exactly the company is located.

“They’re in Nashville, man. It says it right here on the envelope,” explained one older man who refused to give his name for fear of being profiled by the Secret Service.

“The Secret Service protects the President, Joe. They don’t track protestors,” explained Billy M. “And that’s just the address of the fulfillment center.”

“They’re in Silicon Valley, Billy,” said Alice S.

“You said my name, man!” exclaimed Joe, who seemed to be a few beats behind everyone else.

“It’s going to get cold here soon,” continued Alice. “Los Gatos is warm, and I bet the streaming service works good right outside their door.”

“Are you sure they’re in Los Gatos? I thought that was where they located Qwikster.”

“There is no Qwikster. They killed it,” said Alice.

“No way, man, they just started it a few weeks ago,” shouted Joe.

“They shut it down,” said Billy.

“Bastards!” said Joe. Everyone stopped. No one seemed quite sure why Joe would be so upset at the death of a service that for its entire life wouldn’t have delivered to Joe anyway.

“Sorry…” Joe said sheepishly. “I’m just a little jumpy after Billy outed me.”

“I didn’t out you, Joe. Your name is on the back of that football shirt you’ve worn every stinking day.”

Joe looked crestfallen. He turned slowly and walked away.

Meanwhile Alice, Billy and a few dozen others started making plans to head for Los Gatos. “The selection of movies is just terrible,” explained one of the non-leaders, “Netflix has to hear the voices of the 99%. We are really bored, and we’re not going to take it anymore.”

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