Crazy headlines I’d love to see

by Bruce Kasanoff on October 28, 2011

It’s a cold Friday in Connecticut, and since I refuse to turn on the heat before November, my fingers can hardly feel the keyboard. Snow is in the forecast. This is crazy, and the constant shivering has me thinking about crazy headlines I’d like to see:

Rangers and Cardinals Tied After 20 Innings in “Decisive” Seventh World Series Game
Game halted as clock strikes 3 a.m.

Warren Buffett Donates $300 Billion to Pay Down Deficit
Says money can’t buy happiness, “This stuff is taking up too much space around the house”

Congress Passes Bill Outlawing Movie Sequels; President to Sign
Halloween 8, Saw 12, Cars 9… the madness stops here

Apple Unconditionally Guarantees All Phones, Computers and iPads
“If it stops working, we’ll replace it. Even if you drop it in a puddle,” says CEO Tim Cook

Lady Gaga Straps Live Tiger to Her Back; Tiger Runs into Woods with Singer
After nine days, there’s still no word of her whereabouts

For the First Time in 37 Years, New TV Season Has No Police Dramas
Apparently the public just got tired of blood, gore, and crime

Facebook Introduces New Feature That Tracks How Many Times a Day You Go to the Bathroom
“It’s an important part of our day, and we were missing it,” says founder Mark Zuckerberg

Nothing Bad Happened Today; Experts Baffled
Stock market went up, housing crisis solved, economy added 8 million jobs, and European bankers forgive debt as investors decide to hold massive bake sale

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